Trigger Warning

Struggling with PTSD under the Trump administration

Mar 08, 2025

Struggling against my oppressors, I fought to speak but found I could not. It was as though I was suffocated, unable to draw or expel breath. Terror flooded through me. “Help!” my mind cried out, even as my voice remained captive.

Panting and sweating, I woke in the still wee hours of the night—relieved that it had all been just a bad dream, yet disturbed, knowing the reality of the world beyond the walls of my farmhouse.

WARNING: This week’s update is very emotionally charged and very personal. Trump supporters may choose not to continue. To those who choose to read on, I accept constructive feedback only—any hate speech will earn blocking. I will not tolerate abuse.

Welcome to the latest Updates From the Farm! If you are new here, I invite you to check out my About page to learn what this is, who I am and why I am doing this. Or just dive right in! At “Runamuk Acres” you’ll find the recantings of one lady-farmer and tree-hugging activist from the western mountains of Maine. #foodieswanted

In This Post:

Messed Up in America
Censorship
Trauma Survivor
That Time I Ran Away From Home
Trigger Warning
Hit From All Sides
National Treasure
Line in the Sand
Ready to Fight
Trump Reminds Me of My Mom
50501 Nationwide Protest

Messed Up in America

Maybe it’s something to do with the planetary alignment, or the shift in our Maine weather —I can’t really say. Yet, I’ve been fairly vibrating with energy and emotion this past week. I know I’d promised not to get too political on the blog, but in light of the events of the past week I’m here to tell you I’ve changed my mind.

Struggling with nightmares night after night, I haven’t been sleeping well. Hyper anxious, with occasional spells of overwhelming fear and grief which sometimes drives me to tears before I can talk myself down again.

At first I couldn’t figure out why this was happening. With long and busy days, I generally don’t have trouble sleeping at night. It’s something I’ve always been thankful for. Life has to be pretty messed up to keep me awake at night.

Well, folks—life is pretty messed up in America right now.

Censorship

As previously mentioned, I’ve been following the activities of our newly elected President. How can you not? It’s like some horrible car crash you can’t look away from, and we can only watch helplessly as Trump and Musk, along with their republican cronies, gut civil services and position themselves to take over everything from public schools to public reserved lands—right down to our constitutionally granted right to freedom of speech.

We’ve already seen a rise in censorship wherever republicans lead local town hall meetings. There are many such examples going around social media right now, but this one was especially triggering for me:

That’s the thing about healing from trauma…

Just when you think you’ve left your past behind, something happens to trigger flashbacks and suddenly you’re reliving your worst nightmare all over again. For me, this scene of Dr. Teresa Borrenpohl being dragged out of the town hall in Idaho was painfully familiar.

I stewed on this for days, even as I went about my life. But it wasn’t until I watched this clip from Trump’s “NOT-a-State-of-the-Union” speech that it all came into focus:

(It’s a long video, but cued to the part where Representative Al Green speaks out against Trump, and shows the reaction and response that follows—in case you missed it.)

Both of these scenes affected me deeply. They opened up old wounds, forcing me to relive painful traumatic experiences in my mind and heart.

Trauma Survivor

If you’ve been following me for any length of time (firstly, thank you for that!), you may or may not have seen my introductory post to Substack: The Audacity of Authenticity.

In that post I came out as a trauma survivor, sharing the story of my childhood growing up with an abusive arsonist mother, followed by 15-years in an abusive marriage.

For those who missed it, click this link to read the gory details of my backstory.

What I don’t talk about in that post is the incident these videos bring back for me.

I am going to share that with you now, so you will understand why Trump and the republicans’ infringement on our right to free speech is so triggering to me. This is a very personal story I’ve never shared online, so please be kind in your comments.

That Time I Ran Away From Home

By the time I was 15, I knew enough to know that my mom was seriously messed up. Life at home was not good for me back then.

Still very much just a child, resistance was futile. My mother was bigger and stronger than me. Louder than me. Meaner. And if I tried to protest or assert my own free will or even an opinion that differed from her own, I was brutalized or verbally assaulted—usually both.

She’d burnt a third home in yet another scheme to rip off an insurance company and we’d had to move away from my school and my friends to stay with my grandfather several towns away.

Though we’d moved around a lot during my childhood, this move was particularly painful to me as I’d already fallen head over heels for this mountainous region of Maine. I had a job and an apprenticeship lined up, and my senior year of high school ahead of me when my mom did what she always did. She burnt our house and all our stuff to the ground and forced us to start again somewhere new.

On the cusp of 16 that summer, things between me and my mom had gone from bad to worse. When a friend from my old school came to visit, I seized the opportunity to run away—leaving with my friend under the guise of going to show the friend the fish hatchery just up the road.

She came after me, of course. I was a source of income—but it wasn’t just the child support and food stamps that compelled my mother. I was a tool—a thing to control, manipulate and use for her own benefit. She was never going to let me go easily.

When I saw the van roll up outside my friend’s home it was like the whole world fell out from under me.

I still wonder every now and again if the scene that ensued ever haunts those people.

My mother and my step-father we allowed entry into the home by my friends’ parents who didn’t want to get involved or come between a parent and their child. Likely they thought I was just another head-strong teenager strengthening her independence by “running away from home”, for they did nothing to stop my mother from hauling me out of that house.

Very much like the woman in the Idaho town hall video, I refused to go. When they proceeded to manhandle me, trying to move me toward the door, I resisted with everything I had.

Standing with my back against the wall, my mother took my head in her hand and smashed in against the wall several times in an attempt to render me unconscious. When that did not work, she instructed my step-dad to take my legs and she wrapped her arms around my torso and they literally dragged me through the house toward the door.

Kicking and screaming, pleading and crying, I grabbed at anything I could hold onto to keep from being taken back—a chair, table leg, and then the door jam until they finally managed to get me out of that house.

I thrashed against them as they hauled me across the front lawn to the waiting van. Begging my friends and her family for help—none came. Eventually they managed to get me into the van...

Trigger Warning

There are those who use the word to scorn people they deem weak or woke, but some of us really do have serious traumas we are recovering from and I say: Trump should come with a trigger warning.

I’m sure I can’t be the only trauma-survivor out there who’s been struggling with PTSD in recent weeks…

It was all very disturbing to see—first Dr. Teresa Borrenpohl hauled out of that town hall meeting—and then to watch Representative Al Green as he was escorted from the House chamber. But then came this declaration from Trump:

All of this brings back memories from those years of my life when I was dominated and subjugated, used and abused—first by my mother and then by my husband for another 15 years.

For the first 34 years of my life I lived in oppression. 34 years!

This last decade on my own has allowed me the freedom to find myself. I’ve found my own sense of authenticity—and my voice.

And then here comes Trump threatening to take that away?

Hit From All Sides

As a multifaceted person, I feel as though I’m being hit from all sides by the Trump administration.

On the one hand, there’s this issue of Freedom of Speech. Apparently Trump and his republican cronies can dish it out, but they can’t take it. They’re stifling anyone who dares speak out against them.

There’s also threats to the farming sector which have me worried.

What really put it over the top, though—is this new executive order demanding an expansion in tree cutting across our national forests and public lands.

“This Trump executive order is the most blatant attempt in American history by a president to hand over federal public lands to the logging industry.” said Chad Hanson, wildfire scientist at the John Muir Project. “What’s worse, the executive order is built on a lie, as Trump falsely claims that more logging will curb wildfires and protect communities, while the overwhelming weight of evidence shows exactly the opposite.”
See more in this article from The Guardian.

It begs the question: Once all the trees have been cut down, will they start digging and drilling next?

You know they will and THAT, my friend, is my biggest fear.

National Treasure

I was driving to work that morning, heading toward my beloved western Maine mountains, with Mount Abraham before me and the Bigelow Preserve there in the distance and I just cried.

Americas public reserved lands and parks are our greatest national treasure. These wild spaces and places are worth more than all the money in the world and once they’re gone, they’re gone forever. (Click here to read this piece from the National Parks Conservation Association to learn how Trump’s executive orders will affect our parks.)

And what about the economies built around those recreational areas?

Here in the Carrabasset Valley region of Maine, much of our local economy has been grown around the tourism our public reserved lands attract. Across the state of Maine, recreational tourism generated $3.4 billion for Maine’s economy and accounting for 29,863 jobs.

Runamuk relies on such tourism as well.

I imagine it’s much the same for every community within range of any such park, whether it’s Acadia or Yellowstone.

If you know anything about me, you should know that I’m an environmentalist first and foremost.

A registered member of the Green party, every choice I make in my life is Earth-first and I would sacrifice myself to save the planet if I thought it would put an end to the threats facing Her.

trigger warning — I speak for the trees.

Line in the Sand

This is my line in the sand, my friends. You can beat and abuse me six ways from Sunday, but don’t threaten the Bigelow Preserve.

Anxieties that had been building for weeks swept over me, and as I crested the hill above the village of Kingfield, Maine that morning—I wept to see my beloved mountains spread out there on the horizon. Blue and grey they were in the pale light of the early morning, swathed in dense wilderness too precious for words.

What’s going to happen to the Bigelow Reserve? Baxter State Park? or the glorious Acadia National Park?

What’s going to happen to the countless public reserved lands big and small all across the nation?

This fear and grief was followed by a burning rage: How dare they come after our public lands?

These wild spaces and places belong TO THE PEOPLE.

Just as the right to free speech and a vote in how our government and country operate belongs TO THE PEOPLE. And—just as this is a country created BY THE PEOPLE—FOR THE PEOPLE.

Ready to Fight

So here am I, writing today to tell you I’ve changed my mind about trying to keep my posts-neutral. I’m ready to fight for the rights others have fought for me to have. I honor those people by cherishing these gifts and standing up for them when those hard-won rights are threatened.

After the hell I lived through during the first 34 years of my life, I’m writing to say I will not shrink myself to make anyone else more comfortable. This is my blog and my life, and I will write what I damn well please. If I’m too much for you, you have the right not to read my work. That’s totally okay.

What I will not tolerate, however, is abuse in any form. Any hate speech or derogatory comments will earn that commenter a BLOCK from me. I am never going to allow myself to be abused ever again.

We can disagree and share constructive feedback, but when folks descend to malice I’m out. That’s the line, my friend.

Trump Reminds Me of My Mom

I fully admit that I’ve never liked Donald Trump.

I can’t stand listening to the man talk and I feel physically ill to watch him. Yet, I couldn’t figure out exactly why until I watched parts of that insidious speech to the House of Representatives earlier this week. I spent some restless nights tossing and turning, plagued by nightmares and flashbacks—until it finally came to me.

In a lot of ways, Trump reminds me of my mom.

Though I’ve always called her “mom”, there wasn’t much that was motherly about my Mary Adley and I recognize the same characteristics in Trump that I saw in my mother.

Always seeking a personal benefit from any association so that you can’t trust anything they say because they’ll say whatever it takes to extract that benefit from you.
They thirst for attention and thrive in the spotlight.
They can dish it out, but can’t take it—thus no one else is aloud to voice their opinions or have a say.
They’re both downright greedy—enough is never enough.

Of course—my mother has been dead some 12 years now, having died alone in prison. She’d gone on to set several more house-fires after I’d left home, and eventually it all caught up to her.

I can only hope that there comes a day when all of Donald Trump’s criminal activities catch up to him some day as well.

50501 Nationwide Protest

If this stance means I lose subscribers then I thank you for the time you gave me and I wish you well. No hard feelings. Though, I sincerely hope you stay.

For my part, I cannot stand idly by and do nothing while Trump commits atrocities against man and nature. I will not. And so—I’ll be attending the 50501 protest here in Maine on April 5th and I encourage those who are able to do likewise.

trigger warning 50501 — FMI click the image to redirect to 50501.

This week’s farm-update will be released tomorrow with a big announcement and an update on the proceedings of our opossum-eviction, so stay tuned for that coming to your in-box.

As always, no matter how you subscribe, I thank you for reading. Let’s keep growing, together.🌱

Sending love and good juju to you and yours.

Your friendly neighborhood Farmer Sam

PS — If, like me, you’re a survivor of abuse and trauma trying to cope with the reality of existence under the Trump administration, please know that you are not alone! We’re all in this together!

Thank you for following along with the story of this lady-farmer! It is truly a privilege to live this life serving my family and community, and protecting wildlife through agricultural conservation. If you found this valuable, please consider Restacking so more people can see it!